I’m Semi Ok
Look, I’m all about hustling after what fulfills you. Every day hustle towards the light, but what happens when the darkness swoops in? What happens when you feel like nothing you do is right, no one cares, and you are wasting your life? The day I realized I wasn’t ok was shortly after, or maybe during, my blog post about my threenager. See, I’ve always had this dark cloud surrounding me and as an adult I can either let it encompass me or seek a way out.
So many people see me as this funny, bubbly, cute personality. That is who I am 100% but then once the camera is off I second guess everything I ever do. Even writing this right now, I feel like no one is going to read it. I push through, I fight, and I speak up about what my reality is because I don’t know any other way.
I’m not ok, something shifted after I gave birth to my son. I looked at him and thought, “when is your mom coming to get you because this sucks.” Then I remembered I am his mom and I have to keep doing this. Let’s just say, we watched a lot of Doctor Who, Harry Potter, CSI, and other shows his first year. By the time I started to see the light again (aka realized that I was depressed), Boom I was pregnant again.
The second pregnancy wasn’t as bad as the first, by that I mean I was active! I was getting things done, my blog flourished after I closed my store, and I felt so good. Then that good old cloud floated back in and blah back to square one. Granted I did get a good year or two of pushing forward, which was nice. But lately, it’s all come crashing down inside my head. It’s like my heart knows that I’m cool and doing good work, but my head betrays me.
Knowing that I needed to see someone was the day I felt completely alone.
I felt lost, scared of literally everything, and just as if my light was dimming.
I wanted to run away from every responsibility that was/is my life.
But I couldn’t.
I knew that there was a side of me. The fearless side. A side of me that was fighting to find happiness again. Find what fulfills me. The problem was that I wasn’t able to breathe within the cloud. I wasn’t able to see that fearless side and I started to crumble. That day I made an appointment for the doctor and finally, after a long time, I feel hopeful and confident to share this journey with you all.
Well, what’s next is a whole lot of healing and a whole lot of real. I’m still focused, I’m still me, but I’m not sure exactly what that looks like yet. On the blog and on social media I plan to watch my journey and show a real in depth look at what I’m going through. Opening up in The Hydeaway Community was my first
terrifying step to show this side of my real. (I promise I’m still funny and silly) But seeing how many of us are dealing with the same thing postpartum makes me want to be vulnerable to The World.
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