*If you are going to comment mean things just don’t even start. You may be perfect but I’m not. I beat myself up every single day about failing and don’t need to hear it from you.*
Where do I even start? My house is a nightmare, I don’t even want to show you because it’s that bad. Dishes in the sink for weeks, trash on the floor, my room is covered in clothes and just crap laying around everywhere. It feels like every time I get a little closer to being on top of it something happens to completely derail my progress.
This week it’s the kitchen. I finally finished the dishes, the floor, and even cleared out the cabinets. Then the unthinkable happened. The floor was moving. Holding back vomit and many cuss words I sweep for the 5th time today and another pile of maggots appear. What the hell! Why? Why me? There is nothing on the floor and they just keep appearing in the middle of my kitchen. I’ve been in tears all day.
This past weekend was the best weekend of my life. I attended BlogHer in Orlando and had a much-needed vacation from this parental chaos. Now that I am home, I just want to run away. It’s overwhelming how much work needs to be done in this house and how much help I so desperately need.
It’s as if I’m not allowed to have self-care. Every time I try to breathe I’m bombarded with more shit to do. Take my room for example. We finally got the kids out of our bed, started cleaning the house, and everything ended up on our floor. So our room is a complete mess. There is no storage in this room and honestly, we don’t need all of this stuff. But, every time I try to get started I just sit here feeling overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed is probably not even a strong enough word to describe what I’m feeling. Lonely, alone, devastating, failing, completely shitty, or maybe even unworthy are better words.
I feel like my kids need a new mom. I’m not good enough to be their mom because I can’t do something as simple as providing a clean home for them. It’s funny, I guess, my sister in law wanted to take The Sweetness when I was pregnant. She doesn’t have kids yet and for me having 2 under 2 sounded terrifying. So I joked about giving her to my sister in law and she was eager to do it, but I could never do that.
Now, I wish I would’ve. It’s sad I know. But I don’t deserve these two angel children. I deserve to sit in the mess we have made, with no money because we suck at finances, and be completely alone.
As much as they make me happy, trying to be more present and less worrying, I feel that I’m not made for this. All these responsibilities and little to no help has completely broken me.
Something broken can be fixed but it takes a lot of glue to pick up the pieces. Think about Humpty, them pieces never got put back together. Is that my destiny? To be completely broken forever?
Maybe, but maybe not.
This is the start, being completely vulnerable and asking for help from people who actually care. For so long I’ve sought out friendships with people who act like they care but then ghost me when I no longer serve a purpose in their life. When I no longer can give them something or an opportunity changes with my life, they disappear. Not anymore.
I’m not putting up with that anymore just like I’m not dealing with this failing housewife status anymore. I’ve stopped trying to be perfect and understood that my reality is really sucky but it is not forever. Today I’m dealing with one thing at a time, canceled all activities including my son’s birthday party on Saturday, getting shit done, and tomorrow will be a new day.
Today I am getting stuff done. I’ve packed up all our belongings that we are keeping. I’ve started putting things in bags to give away, sell, and throw away. Tomorrow I will order a dumpster and move in temporarily to a hotel or a friend’s house. The house will be fumigated and then we will move back. It’s not failing, it’s adulting. One step at a time life gets better once you just decide to push forward.
Seeing the Light
One day I’ll have it all together. One day my kids won’t be all over me and throwing food all over the house. That day will come but for today I’m just broken and trying to see the light.