Failing at This SAHM Thing

Seriously

*If you are going to comment mean things just don’t even start. You may be perfect but I’m not. I beat myself up every single day about failing and don’t need to hear it from you.*

Where do I even start? My house is a nightmare, I don’t even want to show you because it’s that bad. Dishes in the sink for weeks, trash on the floor, my room is covered in clothes and just crap laying around everywhere. It feels like every time I get a little closer to being on top of it something happens to completely derail my progress.

This week it’s the kitchen. I finally finished the dishes, the floor, and even cleared out the cabinets. Then the unthinkable happened. The floor was moving. Holding back vomit and many cuss words I sweep for the 5th time today and another pile of maggots appear. What the hell! Why? Why me? There is nothing on the floor and they just keep appearing in the middle of my kitchen. I’ve been in tears all day.

This past weekend was the best weekend of my life. I attended BlogHer in Orlando and had a much-needed vacation from this parental chaos. Now that I am home, I just want to run away. It’s overwhelming how much work needs to be done in this house and how much help I so desperately need.

It’s as if I’m not allowed to have self-care. Every time I try to breathe I’m bombarded with more shit to do. Take my room for example. We finally got the kids out of our bed, started cleaning the house, and everything ended up on our floor. So our room is a complete mess. There is no storage in this room and honestly, we don’t need all of this stuff. But, every time I try to get started I just sit here feeling overwhelmed.

Overwhelmed

Overwhelmed is probably not even a strong enough word to describe what I’m feeling. Lonely, alone, devastating, failing, completely shitty, or maybe even unworthy are better words.

I feel like my kids need a new mom. I’m not good enough to be their mom because I can’t do something as simple as providing a clean home for them. It’s funny, I guess, my sister in law wanted to take The Sweetness when I was pregnant. She doesn’t have kids yet and for me having 2 under 2 sounded terrifying. So I joked about giving her to my sister in law and she was eager to do it, but I could never do that.

Now, I wish I would’ve. It’s sad I know. But I don’t deserve these two angel children. I deserve to sit in the mess we have made, with no money because we suck at finances, and be completely alone.

As much as they make me happy, trying to be more present and less worrying, I feel that I’m not made for this. All these responsibilities and little to no help has completely broken me.

Broken

Something broken can be fixed but it takes a lot of glue to pick up the pieces. Think about Humpty, them pieces never got put back together. Is that my destiny? To be completely broken forever?

Maybe, but maybe not.

This is the start, being completely vulnerable and asking for help from people who actually care. For so long I’ve sought out friendships with people who act like they care but then ghost me when I no longer serve a purpose in their life. When I no longer can give them something or an opportunity changes with my life, they disappear. Not anymore.

I’m not putting up with that anymore just like I’m not dealing with this failing housewife status anymore. I’ve stopped trying to be perfect and understood that my reality is really sucky but it is not forever. Today I’m dealing with one thing at a time, canceled all activities including my son’s birthday party on Saturday, getting shit done, and tomorrow will be a new day.

Today I am getting stuff done. I’ve packed up all our belongings that we are keeping. I’ve started putting things in bags to give away, sell, and throw away. Tomorrow I will order a dumpster and move in temporarily to a hotel or a friend’s house. The house will be fumigated and then we will move back. It’s not failing, it’s adulting. One step at a time life gets better once you just decide to push forward.

Seeing the Light

One day I’ll have it all together. One day my kids won’t be all over me and throwing food all over the house. That day will come but for today I’m just broken and trying to see the light.



12 comments

  1. This is so so so incredibly real and brave and I just want to thank you for it. You are not alone in how you are feeling that’s for sure. And now I know I’m not alone in feeling that way either. Sending lots of positive vibes your way. It sounds like you have a great plan and I wish you much success. <3 <3 <3

    • Thank you! I’m hoping that my sharing my parental chaos / real life it will help others know that it’s normal to feel this way. It’s what you do moving forward that counts! ❤️

  2. Stefanie says:

    Hugs, mama. Every mom feels not good enough sometimes. You are doing something about the things you don’t feel good about so you are way ahead of many!

    I so relate to you about being overwhelmed with stuff with not enough space. Maybe what works for me might help with that? My mom comes over and we work on small sections of the house, like one bookcase. We put one trash bag of donate, one for trash, and one pile for keep. We completely empty the space before putting the keep pile back, and I think that (and having the second person to help stay focused and wrangle the kid) is key. If I try to do it myself I just make a bigger mess though! I don’t know if you might want to try, but it has been a sanity saver to have that person asking “do you really need this knitting book? When is the last time you knit? When do you plan to knit again? Could you buy another book then?”

    Hang in there, mama. You are enough and you are doing a great job even if it doesn’t always feel that way.

    • Thanks mama! My biggest thing is that I don’t have any family around to do that with or just help with kids. I do have a few good friends though, just need to go drop my kids off with them some time. Haha! I’m hoping by sharing my real, I’m helping other parents feel like they aren’t alone. No one talks about this stuff, social media has made us all “perfect”. But reality isn’t so perfect!

      • Stefanie says:

        That’s hard not having family nearby! Ours is an hour and a half away, but it’s still doable. Take advantage of those good friends! You can help each other! And you are so right. These things need to be talked about. Good for you for putting it out there to help others! <3

  3. Chelsea Pyle says:

    Girl I know exactly how you feel. Every time I try to start cleaning the baby starts screaming her head off and I refuse to use the tv to babysit her. So my house is constantly a wreck too. I have 4 days off in a row and we’re lucky I get dinner cooked and cleaned up because I spend all day with little one trying to keep her happy so I can spend 5 minutes cleaning. I’m totally here for you if you need someone to talk to or if you and the kiddos want to drive up for the day and swim! Love ya chicka!

  4. Nicola R.N. says:

    Hey girl, you are not alone. So many moms feel like this, including me! Having 2 kids under 2 is not easy and there are so many things out of your control it’s hard to keep up. Feel free to message me anytime you feel frustrated and we can chat. I have open ears and I understand completely what you’re going through. Bravo for your honesty! ❤️

  5. Chevelle says:

    You are not alone and you are an awesome mom! Your kids love you and think the same thing. Just hang in there , take it one day at a time, and give yourself a break. This mom-ing thing is tough work!

  6. Char G. says:

    Raising kiddos is tough. Really tough. Hang in there. It’s worth every sacrifice!

  7. Don’t worry mama!

    That loud ‘no negative comments’ made me laugh…lol, not at your situation, but for those needing to be put on notice.

    Not only are you not broken, it’s evident in that you’re articulating a desire to work your way through all that feels overwhelming at this point.

    As a new empty nester, I get it. I lived it, and this current transition is similarly vulnerable as your position.

    By virtue of the fact that you’re laying it out, you’re pulling through. I hang my hat on that point, and know you’ll come through this moment in time.

    Be very Inspired.

  8. Olivia says:

    I hear your voice. I hear you and you are so raw that it is refreshing. I feel as you do many days, you are not alone. But, I am not as brave. I feel this is the voice of many of us. Bravo and here is to one day at a time…

  9. Robin says:

    I’m right there with you I work full-time with four kids and I feel like I can never get caught up thank you for sharing I can’t wait to be a part of blogher someday too

Leave a Reply

Our Stories, Your Language

Follow our Parental Chaos!