*This was at my worst, I will always tell my truth. From the very worst to the best, and everything in between.*
Where do I even start? My house is a nightmare, I don’t even want to show you because it’s that bad. Dishes in the sink for weeks, trash on the floor, my room is covered in clothes and just crap laying around everywhere. It feels like every time I get a little closer to being on top of it something happens to completely derail my progress.
This week it’s the kitchen. I finally finished the dishes, the floor, and even cleared out the cabinets. Then the unthinkable happened. The floor was moving. Holding back vomit and many cuss words I sweep for the 5th time today and another pile of maggots appear. What the hell! Why? Why me? There is nothing on the floor and they just keep appearing in the middle of my kitchen. I’ve been in tears all day.
This past weekend was the best weekend of my life. I attended BlogHer in Orlando and had a much-needed vacation from this parental chaos. Now that I am home, I just want to run away. It’s overwhelming how much work needs to be done in this house and how much help I so desperately need.
It’s as if I’m not allowed to have self-care. Every time I try to breathe I’m bombarded with more shit to do. Take my room for example. We finally got the kids out of our bed, started cleaning the house, and everything ended up on our floor. So our room is a complete mess. There is no storage in this room and honestly, we don’t need all of this stuff. But, every time I try to get started I just sit here feeling overwhelmed.
Overwhelmed is probably not even a strong enough word to describe what I’m feeling. Lonely, alone, devastating, failing, completely shitty, or maybe even unworthy are better words.
I feel like my kids need a new mom. I’m not good enough to be their mom because I can’t do something as simple as providing a clean home for them. I don’t deserve these two angel children. I deserve to sit in the mess we have made, with no money because we suck at finances, and be completely alone.
As much as they make me happy, trying to be more present and less worrying, I feel that I’m not made for this. All these responsibilities and little to no help has completely broken me.
Something broken can be fixed but it takes a lot of glue to pick up the pieces. Think about Humpty, them pieces never got put back together. Is that my destiny? To be completely broken forever?
Maybe, but maybe not.
This is the start, being completely vulnerable and asking for help from people who actually care. For so long I’ve sought out friendships with people who act like they care but then ghost me when I no longer serve a purpose in their life. When I no longer can give them something or an opportunity changes with my life, they disappear. Not anymore.
I’m not putting up with that anymore just like I’m not dealing with this failing housewife status anymore. I’ve stopped trying to be perfect and understood that my reality is really sucky but it is not forever. Today I’m dealing with one thing at a time, getting shit done, and tomorrow will be a new day.
Seeing the Light
When writing this originally I said, “One day I’ll have it all together. One day my kids won’t be all over me and throwing food all over the house. That day will come but for today I’m just broken and trying to see the light.” Let me tell you, moving out of that house to actually move forward towards our dreams, has been the best thing we have ever done. If you want to hear about what happened in my kitchen, read this post. But seriously, I can breathe for the first time in a long time. Things are feeling good, positive, and finding solutions.
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